Depression - Swimming Back to the Surface.

Firstly, I just wanted to thank Matt D'Avella and the video he did on having anxiety for giving me the final push I needed to actually write this blog.

Though I am pretty open and honest about it, it will probably still be a suprise to many people that I suffer from depression as I never really let it show.  This wasn't always the case and when I first got depression in my teens I really struggled with it.  I had absolutely no coping mechanisms in place and literally just spiralled down the black hole whenever it opened up.  My behaviour during my bouts of depression weren't always great and I regret that now.  However, I have learnt to be a little kinder to myself about that, as they were more out of fear than anything else.  Mostly I'm just very grateful for the friends I had then and who I'm still in contact with now.

As I became older I became very good at functioning like a 'normal' person despite it and, unless you knew me particularly well, it would be very difficult to have noticed any difference between when I was struggling with depression and when I wasn't.  Not only was I having to deal with the depression but there was always this underlying fear that at some point the facade would break and people would see that I was broken.  This, along with the worry that I wouldn't be able to properly be there when people needed me, compounded the depression and it occurred to me that just being able to function on it wasn't enough.  I wanted to have a much better coping mechanisms in place to help me actually fight it. 

For many years now I've been working on building my resilience to my depression using a multiple of different techniques that are usually recommended.  As far as I could tell I was doing okay with bad spells reducing in frequency, but I was never entirely sure how I was actually doing until recently when a couple of incidences that should have sent me spiralling hard didn't.  I still felt bad and low, there were still moments when I had to work hard to pull myself out of bed and do the everyday things we normally take for granted.  But I was actually able to do that, the grip wasn't anywhere near as strong, and it didn't get completely out of control.  In fact it felt more like sad then depressed and I realised then that I had managed to develop habits that were actually helping me deal with the most painful parts of my life in a more healthy manner.  

To begin with I want to say that I did follow all the usual things people talk about regularly when it comes to building resilience to depression.  These include the fact that it was actually okay for me to ask for help and not a sign of failure; that it was also okay and not a failure for me to take the medication (they were a useful tool to help me through the darkest times); that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy really, really does work and definitely worth the feeling I had of being a bit silly at the beginning; and that I did want to say yes to healthy eating and exercise and definitely no to alcohol.  As I said before, I've also learnt to be a little kinder to myself.  I will always try to be the best version of myself, and I still believe that is important, but I've learnt to be a little more understanding when I mess up.  I am only human after all.

However, for me there have definitely been three things that were the real turning point when it came to winning more often against depression.  They were:

1. Finding the thing I really love.  By this I mean the thing that is my happy, safe place and from which I feel like I can draw strength from.  It could be anything or anywhere for you, but for me it is definitely nature.  I could go on and on about all the studies that have been done which show how nature has a positive effect on the well-being of most humans, but instead I'm just going to say that I personally feel happy and content when it's around me.  Even in the worst times it's had an influence, dragging me out a little and producing even just the smallest feeling of contentment.  It's also a great distraction from the thoughts that go through my brain, almost giving me a break from them and a chance to just sit.  I am very lucky at the moment to have a job where I am outside pretty much all day four days a week and then has been a real bonus.  But even just a little connection with nature makes a difference to me, even if it is a cawing crow outside my window at 5 in the morning.
2. Letting go of the idea that depression is part of who I am.  This is a really strange one and I have wondered about it for a long time.  But, as depression was part of my development during my teenage years and something I've had with me throughout my adult life, I did feel that it was an intrinsic part of who I am.  I also worried that if I did ever manage to get better from it I would somehow stop being me.  It's taken me a little while to realise and trust that whilst it did play its part in forming who I am today, it's not actually who I am.  If it went tomorrow (a girl can dream) the fundamentals that make up me will still be there and this has removed one controlling factor that depression has had over me.
3. Being able to see the positives.  Depression is a horrible illness, there is no other way to discribe it, but during the times that I have been out of it I have been able to see some positive in it too.  Firstly, the tools that I have learnt to use to help me cope with depression have also been useful tools to help me cope with other emotional or stressful situations in my life.  Even just knowing that I have been able to survive depression this far has given me the strength to realise that I can probably cope with most things that life will throw at me and that has made facing them much easier.  Secondly, after times of real lows I really see the good that is in my life on a daily basis and I genuinely believe that I would not appreciate the things I have as much I do now if I hadn't been for depression.  In my times of happiness I am very happy and I really do appreciate this.  And lastly, depression has taught me to feel genuine empathy for others.  I obviously don't know how much empathy I would feel if I didn't have depression, but I do feel it has played an important role in the development of it for me and, as corny as it sounds, I wouldn't give up this important human skill for anything.  More than any of the other tools I've used, being able to see the positives in this illness has helped to take away it's sting and has made me a little less afraid of it.  I may be broken and glued back together, but I'm the stronger for it.

I know that it is unfortunately unlikely that these tools won't stop me from getting depression ever again.  Nor have they completely stopped that negative voice inside my head or those times when I just feel numb and dull inside.  However, they have reduced the amount of times and the length of time I have been depressed recently and have therefore been worth the every bit of effort.  Unfortunately these habits won't work for everyone as all our battles are different and individual, but some of them may work for some people and I hope that you find something you can use in this post to help you.  Whatever you're going through please know that you are not alone in it and there is help out there for you.  Take care. X

Project Pan 2019 - Update #2

I was expecting this quarter to be as slow as the last so it has been a pleasant surprise that I've managed to get through as many items as I have.  In no particular order.

The NYX Dark Circle Concealer Corrector in Light / Pale is finally gone.  It has taken a little while but every last bit on this product has been scrapped from the pot.  As I said in the previous post it does do a good job at correcting the colour under my eyes, but doesn't provide the type of coverage I normally like.  NYX is cruelty free though.  At the moment I haven't brought another concealer to replace this one as I want to just use my foundation for now until I decide what I'm going to do with my makeup moving forward.  I am tempted by the RMS Beauty Un Cover-Up so that might be my next expensive purchase.

I started doing more smokey looks this quarter which meant that the Living Nature eye liner in Midnight did go a lot faster than before and is now finished.  There was also a lot less product left in this than I thought.  This is a lovely dark black, very smooth to put on, and easy to smudge.  It's also cruelty free.  However, its lasting power is not as good as I would like so even if I do but another eye liner it won't be this.

The Barry M lip liner in Red or 3 was also another product that has also now completely gone.  It got very soft at the end and kept breaking every time I tried to sharpen it, but I think that has more to do with the age of this item rather than the overall quality of the product, which is really good.  It worked really well with the Urban Decay x Gwen Stefani lipstick in 714 but also looked very nice worn on its own.  Barry M is cruelty free and for the quality of the product you get for the price I would recommend this.

The Urban Decay x Gwen Stefani lipstick in 714 is so painfully close to being finished.  Just a tiny bit more, though I know in reality there's still a few days worth of wear.  I do really love this lipstick, in fact I might even go so far as to say it's the lipstick for me.  It's matte without being drying and the perfect blue red tone that's very flattering.  It also has pretty good staying power and Urban Decay is cruelty free.  I am actually looking for more natural lip products, if any, in the future so I won't buy this again for now.  However, it'll always be a favourite.

There is one product that I haven't actually finished but will be getting rid of and that is the Buxom eye shadow palette in Dolly's Wild Side.  It is a beautiful palette and the eye shadows are very good quality, but they just aren't the type of colours I would naturally go for and I don't really feel that the colours suit me particularly well.  I wouldn't really have realised this if I hadn't tried this product for the amount I have this year so I'm glad I gave this a go and I'm not just keeping this palette with me.  It has been well used but it's time for it to go.  I'm going to have a look and see if there is anywhere that I can donate this rather than just throw it away.

I started using the The Body Shop lip liner in Hot Date this quarter.  It definitely isn't as red as I thought it was going to be, more of a darker tea rose, but it's a beautiful colour.  It's also very soft and I seem to be getting through it quite quickly.  It might even be gone my the next update leaving me with no lip liners left and that's something I'll be very happy about.

I also started using the The Body Shop black liquid eyeliner.  It was a bit of a learning curve as it has been many years since I last tried using a liquid liner.  It doesn't help that my eye lids are so sensitive and blink at just about anything.  Needless to say the lines have been sort of thick over the last couple of months, but I am getting better at it.  I don't actually know how much of this product is left so I guess it will be just a blindly use until it's all gone.

The NYX Powder Blush in Taupe and The Balm highlighter in Mary-Lou Manizer look pretty much the same as they did in the last update despite the fact that they are both used every time I wear makeup.  I'm hoping to reach pan (though not actually finish) by the end of this year but I'm not going to hold my breath.

As with the last quarter I haven't touched The Body Shop Matte lip liquid in Tahiti Hibiscus just yet as I'm waiting to finish my current lipstick first.  I should definitely get to it in this quarter but whether or not I'll be able to get this finished by the end of the year is another matter.

Yes this has definitely been a good quarter for using up my makeup and it's been very satisfying.  However it does mean that next quarter is probably going to be another slow one.  If I'm lucky I should get two products used up but not much more.  It really has been satisfying to watch my makeup collection reducing to a more manageable size, closer to the product selection I would like to have in the long run.  I think I will still have one more year of this but that should be the last run.